Insert shots of animals making the right facial expression. The Scarley Pimpernel inserted with the "reboot" and/or "escapism" excuses not far behind. And a frozen high five-esque final shot, followed by my personal favorite: the hip-hop end credits.
I'm already snickering, because there's obviously no better way to connect with teenage boys, then by showcasing some "hip," "funky" end-credits, with a D-bag executive picking the soundtrack. Based on studio catalogue selection, naturally. It's condescending. It totally ruins the vibe of a movie. And like any piece of nostalgia/kitsch, it's abso-friggin-lutely hilarious over time.
And it was the only redeeming trait in "G.I. Joe" last week.
Now, this has nothing to with my liking or disliking hip-hop and R&B. Thank goodness, I had audible older siblings, with killer collections of Tribe, De La, Public Enemy, 2 Live Crew, Skee-Lo and about 100 other kewl acts.
I digress.
Here's the Joe-rific cut from the of the "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra":
The only thing missing from the video? Adewale's (Adebisi from "Oz") Heavy-Duty whaling "Go Joe!" and laughing after the song. It's almost a parody of Will Smith.
It's just tacky as hell, and doesn't fit at all. A movie about world domination and channeling "Indy"-like adventures leaves the final note on ... the Black Eyed Peas going Boom? Granted, the movie's a hunk of junk, it adds to the asinine nature of the movie, and leaves you laughing at it, never with it. It's a sign that your movie is so awkward and fucked up, that it's just trying to bullshit you with bad rap. Like any wealthy suburbanite kid ...or the sudden appearance of a boombox anywhere (minus Radio Rahim).
Think I'm just nit-picking? Check out these high-as-hell examples of accidental postmodernism — because that's the only excuse for these songs' awkward presences — and tell me they don't nearly nuke the fridge on all grounds.
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze"
Yeah, the premise has never enabled itself to be taken that seriously, but man does that Vanilla Ice shit leave a bad taste:
Kinda makes ya ill. But it's a good example of the awkward synergy mentality of licensed films. "Spider-Man" got Nickelback. "Batman Forever" got U2. And the Turtles got Rob Van Winkle. FTW?
And of course, it leads in to the end:
Guilty of: Freeze-frame, character laughing, and bad beats. But it's almost acceptable. It's damn funny now.
There's more. And there's far worse. Roll 'em!
"Ghostbusters 2"
The reason this movie sucked, a bit, was because Reitman and tow couldn't figure out the wonderful fluke success of the first, and wound up amplifying the first film into awkward extremes. It's called a bigger budget, and more effects. You can just hear the transition at 7:43, then ... 8:11:
Bobby Brown?
They picked him over the already populist classic jingle? Musta been either the Coca-Cola, or Jon Peters years at Columbia. Speaking of Jon Peters...
"Wild Wild West."
A well-protected PR machine probably would have tried to call Will Smith's shoot' em opera a pastiche. For mainstream audiences, that's called "WTF":
Couldn't find the specific credits, but you remember summer '99 with this damn song playing everywhere, proclaiming itself to be like the next "Men in Black." Jim West! Desperado! Ugh! Don't be messin'!
Just because Stevie hit up the video, doesn't legitimize the irregularity of this $170 milly mess. There was a dumptruck, with cash, somewhere. And I'm gonna find it. Jon Peters — bless that coke-fueled little head of his — managed to make some people watch a mechanical spider with a bad Will Smith song.
"Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare"
Another property. Another bad end. Another chance to throw sound-bites into the soundtrack. Awful, at 8:57:
Oh Freddy. You clown-prince of killing. You original hipster you. If Freddy was dead, then the movie was buried with the credits. Another unusual addition to an assy movie. Oh well.
Now, I'm blanking at the moment, but there's gotta be more. "Addams Family" right? "Graveyard Shift" I believe. "Tropic Thunder" only did it to acknowledge this trend as a joke...
I know I'm only going with heavy-hitter movies here, but if you got any other examples, leave 'em in the comments. I'll watch them, with disgust, as well as delight. Any movie with these kinds of ends, should go down — or up — a star based on this credit system Joe.
